I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
