I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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