I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
