It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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