Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
