Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize
