Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
