Sponge bath it is.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Boobs speak an international language.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Randomize
