My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
