i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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