Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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