I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
