she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
how drunk are you?
Several
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
