Old men and throwing up are my life now.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
