Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
people are starting to question the shark bite story
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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