I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
