1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
