If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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