went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
