who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
