I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
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Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
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Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
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