Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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