Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize
