I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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