The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Just puked most of my soul out..
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
