I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Randomize
