I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
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