this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
