the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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