I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
