Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
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