I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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