What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
