Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
