im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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