I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
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