miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
