he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
