I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
