Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
