shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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