I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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