Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
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He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
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You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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