I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize