Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
