She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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