Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
My hand turned me down
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
