My sheets look like a crime scene.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
