I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
