I'm eating all of the evidence.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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