I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Randomize
