If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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