if i can run in heels then i can drive
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
