I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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