So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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