found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
