I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
