i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
