I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
