maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
