Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
