I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
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I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
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I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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