Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
